The Alcoholic, Racist Chauvinist Dating Coach Mailbag

Dear ARCDC Mailbag,

Why are men after quantity and not quality?

– Candy, Calgary, Alberta

Dear Candy,

Let me put it like this; when you were in high school and faced with having sex with just one man or being plowed by the entire receiving corps (including the red-shirted freshman) in an Appleby’s parking lot, which did you pick? Exactly. The football squad. More is always better than one – whether we’re talking about crystal meth connections or assault rifles when holding an ex-girlfriend hostage in her apartment.

Moreover, a man who dates a half-dozen girls will be less likely to administer a well deserved beating to his harem in the long run. Let us remember that a woman is not unlike a carton of milk – their usefulness expires after a couple of weeks. There is a limit to the nattering a man can stand before he explodes into a rage that will likely harm yourself and any nearby small animals. It’s been proven by science.

So be happy that instead of spending 40 years with a kind, faithful man, you are instead being nailed and left for dead by drug dealers and retired Stampeders without commitment. Think how much worse your life would be if, after mentioning Oprah and the bloat accompanying your period for the 48th time, you woke up in the ER along with drunks and the cadre of Mexican women who spoke once too often during the ball game.

Now instead of worrying your silly little head about such matters, why don’t you sashay that ass back into the kitchen and rustle me up a steak. Medium rare, bitch.

Dear ARCDC Mailbag,

I haven’t got my period yet and my boyfriend doesn’t want kids. What do I do?

– Deanna, Calgary, Alberta

Dear Deanna,

This isn’t much of question. If your man doesn’t want kids, there is nothing to discuss. He is the head of the household and it would be wise to obey. Now, if you’re inexperienced in these matters, I will walk you through the same procedure my mother tried (and ultimately failed) when she found out she was pregnant with me. Buy a bottle of bleach, a high-powered Dyson and a bucket (or garbage bag). Once you have amassed all the necessary materials, turn on your webcam and call my cell.

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