This Week in Crazy Ex-Boyfriend

Under no circumstance would I consider myself a sane man in the wake of a nasty breakup. Once, when I was 17, I walked an hour and a half at 1:30 in the morning to talk to an ex-girlfriend who had decided she no longer wanted to be with me. I got her attention (buoyed by the many romantic comedies that confuse stalking with romance) by throwing my wallet against her bedroom window. I later discovered she had taken me down to the basement to “talk” while her new boyfriend snuck out the front door. Bear in mind that this anecdote, that I’ve willingly shared, all but guarantees it skews toward the milder side of my breakup meltdown spectrum.

Although I can, admittedly, stand toe to toe with any man in the brokenhearted, batshit crazy department, it has never crossed my mind to load up an ether rag, break into my ex’s house and rape her unconscious body.

I wonder why it is that men take breakups so much more…insanely than women.

Didn't take the breakup well at all

Alex Balk, while discussing a New Scientist piece on how reproduction is actually a clandestine battle of the sexes, believes that the father’s lack of commitment to parenting is to blame (if true, we can safely assume we black people take them the worst). He argues, in one of the most flippantly enjoyable reads I’ve had all week, that although fathers are as loving and affectionate as mothers, their attention is inconstant, marked by long stretches of absence and disinterest.

To a boy, there is never any disconnect from the message of love he gets from Mommy and the way that he sees it play out in real life.And this is why men take break ups harder than women. When a woman breaks up with a man, it is Mommy telling him that she doesn’t love him anymore. And Mommy promised that she would always love him! What is so terrible about him that Mommy stopped loving him? He can bury the sadness with alcohol, or watching a lot of sports, or sleeping around, but deep down he cannot fathom how this rejection has happened to him.

Whereas for a woman, she had no illusions that Daddy wasn’t going to leave at some point. Sure, she’s hurt initially, but she knew the score going into the game. And because women are more or less what Science refers to as “mercenary bitches,” … she is unconsciously determining whom she will settle on next

Let me thank Balk  for giving even more ammo to launch at my mother for her shoddy parenting. It might also explain why my exes have come off as heartless, so easy to toss away one man for another. Perhaps I should tell them of my finding. On their answering machine, voice tortured with rage and anguish while Without You by Harry Nillson plays in the background.

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