Section A: Multiple Choice: Please choose the most appropriate answer from the options given under each of the following questions
1. You are a black man sharing a hostel room with four people. Which of the following will be most likely to severe your carotid artery with an errant shard of glass while you sleep?
(a) the Floridian in the Klansman outfit
(b) the Australian stripper whose bed you crawled into uninvited on two separate occasions
(c) Phil Spector
(d) another black man
(d) another black man – you ol’ Highlander, there can only be one ass negroes. For the first time in my life I finally realized why we shoot each other so often. Before hopping the train to The City of Light, I’d expected Parisian racists to chase me back to the station at least twice. Although I was accosted by the police after being on French soil for less than 14 seconds, the people who truly hated me were fellow black people. The self loathing is strong in us.
2. The municipal European rail systems are best defined by which picture?
(c) I’m sure at one point these “tubes” were state of the art transportation systems but they’ve decayed worse than a hard drinking porn star. They are the definition of flabby and sick. At no point on these trains did I trust we weren’t going to run off the rails and explode into a wall. If you’ve ever been on Stampede ride manned by a drunk carny with a crew cut and pedo-stache who keeps cranking the ride past its speed threshold while cackling maniacally to the heavens? That feeling you have, where you have a clear premonition of your car detaching from the structure and flying into the mini-donut stand, is what you can expect on the tube from the moment you get on until you are unceremoniously pushed out by a group of surly Armenians.
3. At what moment did I decide I was never staying in a hostel again, thus pushing my credit past its limit to stay in four star hotels for the rest of the trip?
(a) four hours into the first night after finding shit smeared on the floors of the communal showers
(b) two hours into the first night after trying to wash my face from the spigot in the dorm room with water so toxic I lost my sight for 40 seconds.
(c) the fourth time the homeless black gentleman they use to bounce the hostel nightclub sought me out to demand proof I was staying there
(d) the first time I threatened to mess the bum up if he kept it up
(e) all the above
(e) all the above – Never again. I have come to terms that I’ve been raised in to princely (read: feminine) fashion to tolerate such horrible sleeping conditions. Yes, my house is littered with soiled laundry and a baffling amount of coins but I always keep a clean shower and never, ever had my retinas seared by water that could I’m certain is the ooze from TMNT. Seriously, I contemplated for a full 15 seconds what my life would be like now that I was a blind man. Would I be a confused, perpetually happy Steve Wonder blind? Would I fight crime like Daredevil? By the time the world started swimming back into focus I had already decided on which shades I’d wear around town.
4. Which movie best describes London streets?
(b) The Birds
(c) Harry Potter and the Whatever of Whatever
(b) Birds – It’s coming my friends. My worst nightmare has come true. It seems all my years of defiant and aggressive atheism has finally spurned the heavens into action. First, the eagle followed me for six blocks. Now this. The streets are littered with pigeons, mentally ill ducks and blood thirsty swans. It’s only a matter of time before they rise up. If you go see Rise of the Planet of the Apes this weekend, use it as a cautionary tale as to what our winged nemesis has in store for us. The avian Pearl Harbor is on its way. Arm yourself with buckshot.
5. Seeing as how Europe has so (too) many black people, did you finally abandon all excuses and talk to a black girl?
Fuck off. This test is rigged.
6. Upon arriving home, bearing in mind that you almost lost it twice on your trip, you put your passport…
(a) in a safe deposit box
(b) on top of the stove to catch fire the first time you fall asleep with pizza in the oven
(c) still in the suitcase, wedging between the musty boxers and socks you are yet to wash
(d) above the toilet, on a shelf you knock over each time you`re drunk or suicidal after an escort’s positive pregnancy test
(d) above the toilet – right next to my travel mug filled with Sailor Jerry’s.