This Week in Bored Law Enforcement

Maybe it’s a good sign cops have nothing better to do than to crouch behind thickets – like O.J. waiting for Nicole and Ron to come home from the restaurant – aiming a dopler radar gun at incoming vehicles hoping to dole out a $150 ticket to a Hampton’s housewife going 4 km over the speed limit. After all, if we actually had anything to truly worry about in this city, such as sudden rioting, Canada’s Finest would be forced to do real police work instead of spending an entire year cracking down on the scourge that plagues us all: jaywalking. 

I think, personally, that if you’re dumb enough to moonwalk across Glenmore Trail during rush hour, the ensuing ambulance ride and reconstructive facial surgery is your own fault. I’ll go even further and say there is no fine big enough to prevent stupid people from doing stupid things.

But, of course, the city, and the thugs whose buffonery our tax money subsidizes, knows that. It’s just more fun fucking with random citizens than doing anything worthwhile. After all, most police officers didn’t join the force to reduce crime and violence but so they could enact revenge on the kids that held their heads under the fetid stream of a flushing toilet in high school. I guess one could argue that throwing immigrants to the pavement and delivering an Sagat knee to his back is on the mild end of the police brutality spectrum.

I’m ranting as I seem to do when I’m hopped up on coffee or vodka red bulls. The point I had hoped to make some 150 words ago is that the Calgary‘s Most Wanted listed has some hilariously docile criminals.

Of the 13 suspects most sought after by the Calgary Police Department, only two are wanted for violent crimes. There are two break and enters and one robbery so I’ll generously lump them in the violent crime group. That still only comes out to five – less than half. So, if you have an urge to do a U-turn any time soon, don’t.

The icing on top: there is only one black person on the list. *does the come-up shuffle*

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