Things are not looking good for men in the dating world. There was a time when kindness and stability were enough to keep a woman’s heart but now that they’ve come to idolize the Kardashians and Snookis of the world, finding love has become more difficult. The problem, I think, is that women have become more masculine. Sure, they disguise it by saying this behaviour is simply them asserting their independence and woanhood but it all comes down to women getting “harder” while men get “softer”. Being a nice guy sucks. It always has. The only reason it’s become more of a problem than in the past is because women earn enough money that they don’t have to put up with a chump to survive.
Unfortunately, this paradox has given rise to the Love Doctors, Dating Coaches and Pick Up Artists. All their teachings are a variation of having a crisp belt for whipping out dissent and a strong backhand to quell disobedience. It seems to be working, as sexually frustrated men pay thousands to attend seminars teaching them ways to stop a woman’s vagina from snapping shut in terror every time they offer to buy her a drink.
For the most part, something terrible and soul-crushing must have happened to you if you make a living giving Powerpoint presentations to tubby accountants from Tempe on how telling women they’re fat and that their mothers should have aborted them will have them eager to share their waterbed.
And then there’s Doc Love. Where most PUAs are transparently douchey, with no higher goals than destroying foster girl’s self-esteem so they’ll agree to sex, Doc dispenses some of the worst advice on a national platform all while feigning concern. His articles are two parts self-promotion, one part half-baked advice, and six parts getting his readers pepper sprayed.
So what happens when you give a middle-aged chauvinist with dubious credentials a column to “help” confused and heartbroken men navigate the dating world? Disaster, my friends. Unholy disaster.
1. “…you relinquished control pretty much immediately and ended up at Marcella’s apartment with nothing in mind except for a movie”
This gem came in response to a guy who admitted to going over to a girl’s apartment without drawing up a plan to nail her during the end credits beforehand. This lack of foresight makes him less of a man. Let it be known: If you don’t show up at a broad’s house with ether rags, condoms, a Miter saw and a jar of formaldehyde to preserve her severed head, you’re a pussy.
2. “…you don’t ask a girl if she wants to get together; you just assume you’re going to get together.”
You see, in Doc Love’s world, women and their tiny brains are incapable of deciding if they want to see a man again. Do you never want to see the Rodeo Clown you met off POF because he took you to Burger King and masturbated under the table? Too bad, bitch. He wants to go to Transformers 3 on Thursday. Be ready at 8. And bring your wallet. You’re paying.
And men, simply decide when you’d like to see her again, break in through her basement window and surprise her in the shower with a bouquet of roses. Awww, romance.
3. “If she wants to be just friends with you, it also means that she will never have anything to do with you again, even if you were the last man on the face of the earth”
I’m starting to think Doc Love has never even been around a woman who wasn’t cashing his cheque at the bank. The only time he’s ever heard one speak is when the college students he follows home from the Laundromat promise not to turn him in if he’ll stop strangling her and let her go. Lesson: Every female friend you have hates you and is plotting ways to end your soul.
4. “Happy couples don’t have disagreements”
Well you heard it boys. If your girlfriend balks at spending every Sunday for the next five months watching NFL games and firing up imported Swedish porn during the commercials, she’s planning on leaving you for the bearded homeless man outside the library who flashes stray dogs.
5. “You’re only supposed to tell a babe you love her on your wedding day”
The fact he calls women “babes” all but guarantees he has a panic room in his home filled with women’s skulls. My only question fir Doc Love is, why tell her so soon? If you’re a real man, you wait until your “babe” is terminally ill before telling her you love her. Then you spit in her face, go home and leave messages of your heavy breathing on her sister’s voicemail.
6. “If you’ve been with Sapphire for four and half years, how come you two aren’t married? After all that time, you should be. But since Sapphire let herself get fat, you sure as heck don’t want to marry her now. At that weight, she’s not going to be a healthy spouse. So this is grounds to drop her now.”
Wait, what? I love how Doc ignores the part of the reader’s letter where he calls this woman “the coolest chick [he’s] ever dated and one of the best people [he’s] met in [his] life”. But, in Doc’s world, if the bitch’s metabolism starts to slow, she’s one Mega Meal away from sweating gravy in her sleep and no amount of love, respect or loyalty will save the relationship. Who hurt you this bad Doc? And where did you dump her body? Her family deserves to know.
7. “After she pops a kid, she’s going to be carrying another 100 pounds around.”
We can’t have that now can we? Yes, she’s spent close to a year with your child but if the porker won’t commit to the Celery Diet for those nine months then the hell with her. What’s next? Making your girlfriend wash herself with the hose in the backyard because she got spaghetti sauce on the front of her shirt while cooking you dinner?
8. “Dude, you don’t touch my program — it would be like changing the Bible or the Constitution or the Declaration of Independence”
(Too shocked say anything)
9. “But I have to hand you this, Wilmot: When you sent her that fake e-mail, you were finally operating. Brilliant work, guy! That’s when you really started to use your noggin. But you didn’t take full advantage of the tactic. When Pamela asked you who the girl interested in you was, you should have said: ‘Your replacement!'”
This came in response to a reader who wrote a fake email to a nonexistent girl and sent it to his current girlfriend to make her jealous. So, if I follow this logic to its sad, pathetic conclusion, a man should “accidentally” mail leukemia results he’s doctored up on an old typewriter to his girlfriend to make sure she never leaves. Or maybe he should film himself sleeping with a semi-conscious drifter to get those jealous juices flowing. It might not happen overnight – it might not even happen within a week – but eventually, the man who pulls this trick will never be able to look at himself in the mirror again.
10. “After she dodged you to see her friend off to San Diego, you should have said to her: “Sure, we’ll make it some other time,” and then tossed her number into the toilet and watched it swirl away. “
Women are bitches. Any questions?