This Week in Perverted Home Buyers

Pervert Poster

Image by Nikita Kashner via Flickr

There comes a time in everyone’s life where the balusters and Nouveau decor of a showhome are just too sexy to resist. Before you judge, ask yourself “could I control my urges if I was surrounded by marble countertops?”

 Well, those urges overcame a Calgary man several weeks ago in a story I find way too funny not to pass on. The police are looking for the guy and I can’t help but picture the wanted poster.

A man who committed an indecent act at a New Brighton show home is wanted by Calgary police.

If I had any foresight I would have stopped reading there. But curiosity got the best of me. What did they mean by “indecent”? Did he flash a passing city bus from the upstairs washroom? Did he pull a Larry David and accidentally splash a Jesus picture?

Police say he entered the show home by himself and was alone for several minutes in the main foyer. He then left quickly while apparently talking on his cellphone.

When the sales worker entered the home, she discovered he had committed the indecent act while in the house and police were called.

Oh. I see. He did in the faux kitchen what anti-gay Pastors do in men’s rooms. Why do some people need an audience for doing…”that”? It’s like the people who audition for American Idol. They know it’s a bad idea – that it’s borderline offensive and possibly criminal – but can’t resist in the end.

“They seized biological material suitable for DNA analysis and it has been sent away for analysis,”

If the cop forced to collect the “sample” didn’t quit, then I will take back everything bad I say about the police. Yeah, I’m lying. I still think they’re domestic terrorists and they suck at their jobs.

Yet,  I’m impressed/saddened that someone agreed to collect another man’s discarded “DNA” from the wall.

I once worked at a gas station off 16th Avenue during my late teens. I lasted around four hours before quitting for being asked to clean the bathroom. Every man has an instinctual desire to destroy public bathrooms. Have you ever seen a gas station bathroom? Within walking distance of Bowness, no less? I don’t know where this urge comes from but I can’t remember the last washroom I’ve gone into where the paper towel dispenser hasn’t been superkicked off the wall or found a sanguine wound dressing from a back alley stabbing.

If you live in the suburbs, be on the look out for a police stakeout in a neighbourhood near you.

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