Category Archives: Crimes Against My Sanity

This Week in Perverted Home Buyers

Pervert Poster

Image by Nikita Kashner via Flickr

There comes a time in everyone’s life where the balusters and Nouveau decor of a showhome are just too sexy to resist. Before you judge, ask yourself “could I control my urges if I was surrounded by marble countertops?”

 Well, those urges overcame a Calgary man several weeks ago in a story I find way too funny not to pass on. The police are looking for the guy and I can’t help but picture the wanted poster.

A man who committed an indecent act at a New Brighton show home is wanted by Calgary police.

If I had any foresight I would have stopped reading there. But curiosity got the best of me. What did they mean by “indecent”? Did he flash a passing city bus from the upstairs washroom? Did he pull a Larry David and accidentally splash a Jesus picture?

Police say he entered the show home by himself and was alone for several minutes in the main foyer. He then left quickly while apparently talking on his cellphone.

When the sales worker entered the home, she discovered he had committed the indecent act while in the house and police were called.

Oh. I see. He did in the faux kitchen what anti-gay Pastors do in men’s rooms. Why do some people need an audience for doing…”that”? It’s like the people who audition for American Idol. They know it’s a bad idea – that it’s borderline offensive and possibly criminal – but can’t resist in the end.

“They seized biological material suitable for DNA analysis and it has been sent away for analysis,”

If the cop forced to collect the “sample” didn’t quit, then I will take back everything bad I say about the police. Yeah, I’m lying. I still think they’re domestic terrorists and they suck at their jobs.

Yet,  I’m impressed/saddened that someone agreed to collect another man’s discarded “DNA” from the wall.

I once worked at a gas station off 16th Avenue during my late teens. I lasted around four hours before quitting for being asked to clean the bathroom. Every man has an instinctual desire to destroy public bathrooms. Have you ever seen a gas station bathroom? Within walking distance of Bowness, no less? I don’t know where this urge comes from but I can’t remember the last washroom I’ve gone into where the paper towel dispenser hasn’t been superkicked off the wall or found a sanguine wound dressing from a back alley stabbing.

If you live in the suburbs, be on the look out for a police stakeout in a neighbourhood near you.

The Hobo Code

Bargain Hunting

My first mistake was allowing convenience, cost and proximity to convince me to shop at Marlborough Mall. I needed a keyboard and leather case for my iPad 2, which is to say I needed it as much as one needs a surround sound system in their living room – not at all. I could have gone to an Apple Store, yes. But what purpose do ghetto malls serve other than selling its wares cheaper than the modern and trendy; the Chinooks and Market malls of the world? So, I endured the calamitous crash of a hundred colliding strollers, uncountable foreign accents (delivered with the aggressive gusto of a Bond villain), the piercing shrieks of wild children and the first and only Calgary Flames wife beater ever worn in polite society. And I did it all for nothing. No discount. Nothing. I paid the same as I would have had I avoided that place entirely.

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10 Pieces of AskMen Dating Advice Written by a Psychopath

FSU Girls

Image by gtmcknight via Flickr

Things are not looking good for men in the dating world. There was a time when kindness and stability were enough to keep a woman’s heart but now that they’ve come to idolize the Kardashians and Snookis of the world, finding love has become more difficult. The problem, I think, is that women have become more masculine. Sure, they disguise it by saying this behaviour is simply them asserting their independence and woanhood but it all comes down to women getting “harder” while men get “softer”. Being a nice guy sucks. It always has. The only reason it’s become more of a problem than in the past is because women earn enough money that they don’t have to put up with a chump to survive.

Unfortunately, this paradox has given rise  to the Love Doctors, Dating Coaches and Pick Up Artists. All their teachings are a variation of  having a crisp belt for whipping out dissent and a strong backhand to quell disobedience. It seems to be working, as sexually frustrated men pay thousands to attend seminars teaching them ways to stop a woman’s vagina from snapping shut in terror every time they offer to buy her a drink. Continue reading

This Week in Bored Law Enforcement

Maybe it’s a good sign cops have nothing better to do than to crouch behind thickets – like O.J. waiting for Nicole and Ron to come home from the restaurant – aiming a dopler radar gun at incoming vehicles hoping to dole out a $150 ticket to a Hampton’s housewife going 4 km over the speed limit. After all, if we actually had anything to truly worry about in this city, such as sudden rioting, Canada’s Finest would be forced to do real police work instead of spending an entire year cracking down on the scourge that plagues us all: jaywalking. 

I think, personally, that if you’re dumb enough to moonwalk across Glenmore Trail during rush hour, the ensuing ambulance ride and reconstructive facial surgery is your own fault. I’ll go even further and say there is no fine big enough to prevent stupid people from doing stupid things.

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