Tag Archives: National Football League

NFL Kickoff 2011: Quick Thoughts

Green Bay Packers starting quarterback Aaron R...
  • I was disappointed to see that Aaron Rodgers shaved the mustache that had every Green Bay child spending his or her allowance on a rape whistle. I spent ten minutes outlining an essay – in the eventuality Rodgers played terribly – on how his pedo-stache was equivalent to Samson’s hair. But, Rodgers dashed my plans by playing his ass off. He remains the best quarterback in the league – with apologies to Tom Brady and the ailing Peyton Manning. I’m terrified of him should my Eagles meet the Packers in the playoffs again. 
  • Mr. “Guantanamo Bay is really just the Iberostar Varadero with door locks on the outside” Drew Brees played phenomenal as well, leading his team down to the Packers goal line in what could have been a tied game without some savvy defensive interference from Clay Matthews. Brees’ performance highlights exactly why attributing wins to a quarterback is ridiculous. Was it his fault Roman Harper was routinely beat or that the shortened training camp resulted in lethargy and confusion in the Saints defense. If the Saints hadn’t already won a Super Bowl, sports announcers would have inundated the weekend’s airwaves with stories on how Drew Brees is not a “winner”.
  • Michael Vick didn’t take nearly as many hits as I predicted he would – although I was scared during the first half where Rams defenders poured through the offensive line with no impediment. I upgrade Vick’s games played prediction from seven to nine before he suffers a gruesome injury.
  • Despite releasing the most underrated receiver of all-time (and my personal favourite) Derrick Mason, I’m happy the defense gave Ben Roethlisberger a taste of what those two co-eds felt once he locked the hotel room door behind them.
  • The Atlanta Falcons will not make the playoffs. Each year the Football Gods pick a team to smite – seemingly at random. Atlanta, you have been smote.
  • The Chicago Bears will win the NFC North as their only threat, the Minnesota Vikings, look awful with washed up Donovan McNabb at quarterback. I hate to say it but it might be time for him to wrap it up and let Christian Ponder get a few starts.
  • The Houston Texans defense will be one of the top five units this year. I hope then-GM Charley Casserly laughs at all those who ridiculed him for taking Mario Williams over Reggie Bush.
  • If my Fox television affiliate airs another Seattle Seahawks game I will start drinking. Heavily. I’ll give the Seattle coach a piece of advice for free; Tavaris Jackson is not the answer. You play in the weakest division in NFL history. A decent quarterback will get you into the playoffs. Switch before it’s too late.
  • The divet my ass made in the couch yesterday will take hours of remediation to get right again.
  • Tony Romo is the most unlucky quarterback. After the Jessica Simpson sideshow followed him around – as well as a pre-existing hatred of the Dallas Cowboys – I enjoyed watching him fail at the worst possible time. But after seeing it so often I’m beginning to feel bad for him. He’s one of the best quarterbacks in the league but I have a feeling the media will remember him unkindly because he lacks the bullshit “clutch gene”. Don’t worry, Tony. No such thing exists.
  • I can hear the Mark Sanchez media bandwagon starting up. As much as I hate the Cowboys, I had hoped they’d win just so I could avoid the 1,024th fluff piece about his Mexican heritage and good looks.
  • Cheerleaders may be the most superfluous profession now. If they aren’t getting naked on the sidelines, of what use are they?
  • RUSHING: Ray Rice will win the rushing title. Chris Johnson will barely crack 1,200 yards. Matt Forte will finish as  a top 5 back. Arian Foster will come back in week two and get injured again by week 11. He and Ben Tate will split carries by the end of the year. As a result, my fantasy team will finish in last place.
  • I will gain 15 pounds of pure fat. The human body was not made to be sedentary for eight hours straight. My hip is in agony from laying on it for so long.

2011 NFL Season Preview

The upcoming National Football League  season has seized all my waking thoughts. Frankly, I become slightly concerned when it strikes me just how long I spent last season (1) preparing to watch a football game, (2) watching the game, (3) talking about the game I just watched before (4) pouring over stats from the game I just watched for fantasy football purposes. I do this instead of productive endavours such as writing Kim Kardashian love letters in cursive loops of my blood, getting into better shape so that my dirty laundry no longer smells like Becel and bacon, mentally abusing my dog for not being able to play Sudoku, etc.

Call me crazy but I don’t give a damn.

The Three Wise Men

I’ve stayed silent when each girlfriend past and present said, in no uncertain terms, being a sports fan is stupid. To cheer for one group of ignorant millionaires on a team owned by ego-maniacal billionaires (yes, I’m looking at you Al Davis) over another of the same, when none of the principals have not the faintest idea of your existence, is the height of folly. Yet, each year, when Calgary’s six days of summer give way to cold winds and morning frost, I’m as excited  as Rex Ryan in a Manolo Blahnik Boutique. Here are five quick, unrelated thoughts on the upcoming season: Continue reading

Oneirology Says My Fantasy Football Team Will Suck

Drew Brees, Jan. 7th, 2010


The first night of my last year as a man able to watch Jersey Shore and That’s So Raven (I’m going to miss you Chelsea) without crumbling beneath the weight crushing self-loathing and societal scorn was wrought with drama. I was in a semi-stupor of expressionless television watching and disinterested light reading (read: porn found under the stairs) – an habitual stasis my body undergoes as it reaches the exhausted conclusion of a 24-hour battle of alcohol elimination –  to find someone stealing my car for the second time since moving into the neighbourhood. The sinister laugh of a young man with an open schedule and a history of Vicodin abuse, followed by the cough of a car with better things to do than start when asked broke me from my trance. I ran outside in my underwear like Edward Norton in American History X only to see the car was, in fact, not mine, as I had moved it when getting food earlier and completely forgotten. Was it my neighbour’s car that was lifted? Possibly. My spot on the couch was sure to grow cold and not wanting to chance such an atrocity, I went back inside without investigating. Continue reading

Jerry Rice vs. Andre Johnson

Dammit Skip. You’ve put me in a sort of identity crisis. I thought I’d found a kindred spirit in a dislike of all things LeBron James. Finally, I’d found someone who could see through LeBron’s stat padding, his stubbornly raw offensive game, the coddling received by Cavalier ownership and, most importantly, the special rules that apply to him during games (take as many steps as you need, what’s a pivot foot? on-the-fly abolition of charging infractions). But after you said you’d take Andre Johnson over Jerry Rice, I can’t help but think your LeBron criticisms aren’t genuine, that perhaps you say things for attention. And here’s where my identity crisis comes in: if your LeBron criticism is solely to bring attention to your show, what does that mean of mine? Am I an attention whore? Am I a contrarian? Do I know what the fuck I’m talking about? Ever?

Let’s put this existentialist dilemma aside for the moment and focus on the lunacy of your latest claim. First let’s examine how Johnson and Rice compared during their best three seasons.

 Andre Johnson (2008-10):  302 catches/4,360 yards/26 TDs

Jerry Rice: 238 catches/3,219 yards/18 TDs

 Clearly Andre Johnson put up better numbers than Jerry Rice prime for prime. Not by much though. Oh no, wait. Rice put up those stats at 40 years old while he was breaking down on the Raiders! Let me try this again.

 Rice (1993-95): 322 catches/4,850/43 TDs

 In fact, you can compare any Rice three-year stretch from 86-95 and compare it to Johnson’s last three seasons and I guarantee most would still pick Rice. There’s the possibility Johnson may still have several more productive seasons – comparable to some of Rice’s best. But Johnson’s not as young as you may think.

 He turns 30 next month. I was surprised when I looked that up admittedly. I assumed he was younger because he’s only really been a dominate receiver the last three years.  Don’t believe me? Prior to the 2008 season, where he established himself as a premier receiver whose injury problems were in the past (Rice missed four games total in his first 12 seasons, Andre has already missed 10)  his best single season stats was 103/1,147/5.

 Johnson (first 5 seasons): 371/4,804/25

Rice (first 5 seasons): 346/6,364/66

 Yes, you read that right. Rice scored 40(!!!) more touchdowns than Johnson in their first five seasons in the NFL. In fact, Jerry came within 3 TDs of Johnson’s total in a single fucking season. But I fear Skip already knows this but saying Rice is better than Johnson doesn’t draw too many listeners to First Take.

Let me say that Johnson is my favourite active receiver after Derrick Mason. To say he’s a beast is one thing (he is) to say he’s a better receiver than Jerry Rice is heresy.

If I am, in fact, a passenger aboard the Contrarian Attention Whore Express, I’ve gone a stop too far and I’m jumping off now. I’ll find my way home from here.

P.S. Them cornrows he rocked when he had the Citizen Kane hairline was one of the most underrated athlete miscues of all time. Below Terrell Owens‘ suicide press conferences with Drew Rosenhaus but above Michael Jordan leaving the NBA to play baseball.