Tag Archives: police

This Week in Perverted Home Buyers

Pervert Poster

Image by Nikita Kashner via Flickr

There comes a time in everyone’s life where the balusters and Nouveau decor of a showhome are just too sexy to resist. Before you judge, ask yourself “could I control my urges if I was surrounded by marble countertops?”

 Well, those urges overcame a Calgary man several weeks ago in a story I find way too funny not to pass on. The police are looking for the guy and I can’t help but picture the wanted poster.

A man who committed an indecent act at a New Brighton show home is wanted by Calgary police.

If I had any foresight I would have stopped reading there. But curiosity got the best of me. What did they mean by “indecent”? Did he flash a passing city bus from the upstairs washroom? Did he pull a Larry David and accidentally splash a Jesus picture?

Police say he entered the show home by himself and was alone for several minutes in the main foyer. He then left quickly while apparently talking on his cellphone.

When the sales worker entered the home, she discovered he had committed the indecent act while in the house and police were called.

Oh. I see. He did in the faux kitchen what anti-gay Pastors do in men’s rooms. Why do some people need an audience for doing…”that”? It’s like the people who audition for American Idol. They know it’s a bad idea – that it’s borderline offensive and possibly criminal – but can’t resist in the end.

“They seized biological material suitable for DNA analysis and it has been sent away for analysis,”

If the cop forced to collect the “sample” didn’t quit, then I will take back everything bad I say about the police. Yeah, I’m lying. I still think they’re domestic terrorists and they suck at their jobs.

Yet,  I’m impressed/saddened that someone agreed to collect another man’s discarded “DNA” from the wall.

I once worked at a gas station off 16th Avenue during my late teens. I lasted around four hours before quitting for being asked to clean the bathroom. Every man has an instinctual desire to destroy public bathrooms. Have you ever seen a gas station bathroom? Within walking distance of Bowness, no less? I don’t know where this urge comes from but I can’t remember the last washroom I’ve gone into where the paper towel dispenser hasn’t been superkicked off the wall or found a sanguine wound dressing from a back alley stabbing.

If you live in the suburbs, be on the look out for a police stakeout in a neighbourhood near you.

Ice Cream Villany on the Highways

I live in a neighbourhood where an anguished woman’s wail (and the subsequent clattering of a freshly used knife dropping to the pavement) interrupt my tortured, acrobatic sleep once a month. Within five days of moving in, bored teens stole my semi-functional car before ditching it, flat tires and bumperless, outside of a Native Reserve by Okotoks. I’m approached regularly for drugs and have been offered the sexual services of tubby woman in a belly shirt in exchange. The moment a semi-attractive woman offers me such a deal, I’ll find a pound biker crank quicker than Nicky Barnes. Every time my girlfriend leaves my house after sunset, I have to cover her from a sniper nest on my roof as she gets in her car. And I’m ok with all of this. I have no problems living around drugs, inflation-resistant prostitutes and the lingering threat of drunken cowboys braining me with a beer bottle on my way home from Safeway. What I do have a problem with is that on the inevitable day I’m held up at knifepoint by a biker strung out on meth, the police won’t waste their time trying to catch him unless he does an illegal U-turn post-robbery or brags about his haul on his fucking cell phone while merging onto 17th. Continue reading

This Week in Bored Law Enforcement

Maybe it’s a good sign cops have nothing better to do than to crouch behind thickets – like O.J. waiting for Nicole and Ron to come home from the restaurant – aiming a dopler radar gun at incoming vehicles hoping to dole out a $150 ticket to a Hampton’s housewife going 4 km over the speed limit. After all, if we actually had anything to truly worry about in this city, such as sudden rioting, Canada’s Finest would be forced to do real police work instead of spending an entire year cracking down on the scourge that plagues us all: jaywalking. 

I think, personally, that if you’re dumb enough to moonwalk across Glenmore Trail during rush hour, the ensuing ambulance ride and reconstructive facial surgery is your own fault. I’ll go even further and say there is no fine big enough to prevent stupid people from doing stupid things.

Continue reading

From the Mothballs: Taser Debate

I sometimes forget I wanted to be a serious journalist at one point. I’m not sure I even have to ability to write objectively anymore. I read this and I cringe. I suppose that’s why I’ve been using my Journalism diploma as a coaster these past three years

The great Taser debate rages on. For those keeping track, though Tasers have been killing people since their inception, and used recklessly by police for years, the issue blazed into mainstream policy discussion following the video-recorded death of Robert Dziekanski at Vancouver International Airport two months ago.

First, the UN Committee against Torture likened the use of stun guns to “a form of torture.” Shortly after, Taser International fired back at the UN, calling them “out of touch” and insinuating that their efforts to ban the Taser would, in turn, cause more torture. At least, that’s what I got from it. Here’s the exact quote from Taser International Founder and Chairman Tom Smith:

“TASER devices have saved thousands of lives worldwide and dramatically reduce injuries of officers and suspects in every community they are deployed.

“We would hope that the United National Committee Against Torture, as well as human rights group around the globe, would embrace our revolutionary technology and choose to work with us in our efforts to reduce violence and protect life. Simply issuing baseless and factually incorrect statements will not end violence or torture and may only serve to weaken efforts intended to protect life.”

I follow some of that, and a part of me agrees with the pro-Taser crowd.  I would rather cops use a two second electrical jolt to stop a knife wielding maniac than use their guns. I also think more people have died or become seriously injured after cops get too carried away with their batons than by the Taser.

That was until the Taser killed a Nova Scotia man a few weeks later. And another, in Montreal. Then I read a report by Amnesty International which said Tasers were extremely dangerous (especially seeing as how they were applied to cuffed victims in half the deaths covered in the report), and called for the suspension of their use. I’ll admit Amnesty can be quite alarmist, but I, in this case, agree with most of their findings.

It seems to me, police are turning to the Taser much too quickly. If a situation escalates, officers simply reach for the Taser and take the suspect down. Tasers, while, in itself, an effective law enforcement tool, are not always used to diffuse dangerous situations but rather to punish noncompliance and perceived disrespect. Without getting into a police-bashing rant, I don’t think we can trust these people to use such a powerful weapon judiciously. Though not all police officers are as reckless doling out shocks as it now seems, we’ve been shown time and time again if a pain-causing device is given to someone in a position of authority (especially if they believe the weapon to be non-fatal), they will use it

Rather than ban the Taser outright, I think law enforcement should restrict their use to only the most dangerous situations.

I wouldn’t mind seeing the police departments adopt a requirement that all officers fill out a report justifying their use of the Taser, on the occasions they do. Also, the instances where Taser use is acceptable could probably use some tightening up – maybe restricting use to instances where the suspect approaches the officer with a weapon and a few others where the officer or a civilian is in immediate danger.